


The Quail Falters

by kirogaraii



Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [7]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BitterSweet AU : ShuuKazu, Developing Friendships, Gen, M/M, Medical Procedures, Suicidal Thoughts, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24166099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirogaraii/pseuds/kirogaraii
Summary: Kazuaki has been holding his feelings inside for a surprisingly long time. Scared and defeated by everything, emotionally and physically, he finally reveals what troubles him... and Shuu listens, patiently. He seems surprisingly invested, doesn’t he?(pt. 1/2 of a long-chapter)
Relationships: Iwamine Shuu/Nanaki Kazuaki (Original)
Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623460
Kudos: 7





	The Quail Falters

_You’ll die painlessly, you’ll die quickly, and you’ll nobly serve the field of medicine._

_Isn’t that wonderful?_

_Having a purpose, and dying in peace._

_Aren’t those things… the two fundamentals of living a life?_

_...Nanaki?_

Those words crept up on him as if they’ve been stalking him day and night, but rather than cause harm, all he felt was a warm caress of the hands of a professional on his forearms. How does this man do it? He scared the death out of Kazuaki very literally, it seemed. Another question is why? Why did Shuu go that far to banish the idea of suicide from his mind? Is his profession really all to blame, or is there something more to it?

Sitting on the infirmary bed with his back pressed to the wall, his head turned away to avoid the sight at all costs, Kazuaki’s thoughts distracted him from the reality he ended up in. He felt a sting, then a tight sensation as if something is continuously pinching the center of his elbow. Shuu did not lie when he said that having blood taken is almost painless.

They continued this in relative silence. After a few minutes of this continuous stinging, Kazuaki was ripped out of his thoughts by the sound of his doctor’s voice.

“That’ll be all.” he said.

His eyelids felt heavy when he turned around to face Shuu, and saw maybe ten vials full of red fluid stacked professionally on a platter. “I actually have something to tell you, Iwamine.” Kazuaki began slowly, eyes traveling down to the all too familiar bandage that’s been put on his left arm, “...Ever since we’ve started this, I think the students have been getting very scared of me…or you. I’ve been doing everything that you recommended to me, but people can still notice that I look weak…Is there something I can do?”

“Yes, I’m familiar with the gossip…” Shuu removed the tip of the needle, took off his gloves, bundled it together and tossed it into trash. “I actually have good news about that. This will be our last session for a while. I’ve got enough blood to run the tests I’ve had in mind. The fact that too many people have been nosy and trying to become involved with our business is a second reason for why I’d put this on a hiatus.”

“...Oh…Okay.”

“Y-...You don’t seem too thrilled about this update.”

“Mmhm…” Kazuaki pinched his temples, “I feel dizzy, doctor.”

“...I see. Here.”

Kazuaki opened his eyes to see a beaker of water handed to him. He accepted it and took a few gulps.

“Ahh…Thank you…”

“...You do look rather exhausted.” A hint of concern showed through Shuu’s voice, “...Are you stressed?”

There was a pause. It piqued the doctor’s suspicion. And suddenly, out of nowhere, Kazuaki’s head dropped down limply and the man began sobbing. “Yes…I am—!” he whined, “My students must hate me because I’ve been so…so bad these past…weeks! I’m sorry, I’m sorry…And I’m sorry for crying, too…” he covered his face with a hand and a wrist, still holding the beaker, “I want to die, I want to die, I don’t want to get out of the infirmary, I want to stay here and die and let you take my blood until I pass out…!”

“No, we are not doing that.” Shuu’s tone was firm. “Killing you is the last thing I’d like to do.”

“You said you’re gonna behead me!”

“No, I never said that. I said that beheading is a quick and savory form of death.”

“Please, kill me doctor!!! I don’t want to see the world anymore!!!”

Kazuaki grabbed Shuu’s wrist, his eyes boring into a pair of violet ones, full of true, spontaneous desperation. “Why do you refuse me?! I know that that’s what you want to do to me! You’re only keeping me alive because you want my blood to refill, that’s all! You’ll have _everything_ you _want_ for research if you kill me!!! You’ll—...”

His rant was cut short by Shuu splashing water in his face, from the beaker he ripped out of Kazuaki’s hand. Kazuaki ducked instinctively, coughing, and letting go of the grip on the doctor’s right hand.

“...Please don’t talk like that anymore.”

It’d be useless to threaten Kazuaki with death now, hm?

“...I understand that you’re stressed. I promise you that slowly relaxing for the rest of the day is a better alternative than killing yourself.”

Kazuaki wept miserably, his tears invisible from the tap water dripping down his hair, face and chin. “I can’t…I can’t relax on a _Tuesday!_ Tomorrow I’ll have to go to school, and the day after that, it’s impossible for me to enjoy anything, I keep thinking about the fact that I’ll feel god awful tomorrow morning…and tomorrow midday, and tomorrow evening, I’ll just always feel depressed!”

Shuu looked down on his patient with an uneasy, mildly disturbed expression of his own. Physical problems and panic attacks are different from genuine emotional despair. If Shuu knew how to deal with it himself, then there’s a chance he’d never be here in the first place. Kazuaki’s shaking hands clumsily tried to wipe the wetness off his face but tears continued to stream down, leaving little dark dots on the mattress below him. The mattress was wet from the splash of tap water now anyway.

Shuu Iwamine took a deep breath and asked.

“What makes…What makes you happy, Nanaki?”

“Nothing!”

“Try again.”

Kazuaki hiccuped. His weeping stopped, he thought for a few seconds in silence. Still crying.

“...s…sugar.”

“Sugar?”

“I-I’m sorry…I know it’s a bad answer.”

“It’s not a bad answer.” the doctor spoke frankly, “Sugar has a certain bad reputation among commoners who don’t study medicine, but it’s not something inherently evil. Glucose is the body’s fuel. A bit additional glucose stores energy for later. Sugars provide a burst of energy, and sugars provide a rush of dopamine. It’s natural that an emotionally and physically weak bird like you feels remedied by sugar. And…” Shuu eyed the vials of blood by their side, “After having blood taken, you definitely would benefit from eating something.”

Kazuaki’s voice was a mere peep, “...Y-You’re so smart…Iwamine…”

“That’s really not the pinnacle of my intelligence, but thank you anyway.”

Kazuaki hugged his knees and continued to cry softly into his shirt. He didn’t feel much better but neither was he wailing in hopelessness anymore, so it was an improvement. Doctor Iwamine took the moment to set the wonderful collection of plasma aside, in a shady spot of his desk. Crouching down to open a cabinet, he noticed a small black object beneath the top surface of his desk. He clicked it off, tossed it on the floor, and stomped the wiretap with his heel. It did require some effort considering how empty the doctor is underneath all that fluff.

“What are you doing?” Kazuaki’s muffled voice asked him from across the room, “Nothing. My leg went a bit numb. I should probably take a walk before one half of my body falls asleep.”

“I wanna sleep…”

“...Not yet, professor. It’s only half past four.”

Shuu picked up the crumbled remains of what was once the height of technology, and dropped it in the trash as well. Now then, back to the plan. He shuffled around in the disorganized mess that is his desk drawer, and finally took out two chocolate bars, hiding one of them in his pocket.

_Nanaki is dizzy, disoriented, and especially irritable. I would feel bad if I kicked him out of the infirmary, only for him to faint on the way home._

He poked the bent and unmoving Kazuaki on the shoulder. “...Ekhem.” Kazuaki looked up. “Eat this.”

“...Ah…!” his glossy eyes glittered at the sight of this treat, “Um, are you sure? Is it really okay?”

“Yes. It’s for you.” Shuu handed the bar to his patient. “I’m gonna lead you to the staff room too, just in case. There is something I left there.”

“Really?!” Kazuaki immediately blushed because he didn’t intend for that to come out _that_ desperate.

“Um, um…Thank you very much…”

“Also,” he received a paper towel from the doctor as well, “Wipe your face.”

Busy putting things in order on his desk before leaving, Shuu glanced over his shoulder for a second to see Kazuaki munching on the piece of candy, still a tad upset and depressed, and his exhaustion very apparent in the sluggish movements. A little surprising to Shuu was the fact that despite those odds, Kazuaki was tapping away on his phone with his free hand.

Shuu Iwamine, being the charming mix of a traditional soul with a futuristic occupation of a scientist and doctor, does not understand what it is about phones that makes young people so addicted to them. Not that he is all that old. Technically he is just a year older than Kazuaki. But… the two of them live in different worlds most of the time.

He continued to pack mysterious things into cabinets within cabinets while his mind still occupied itself with this somewhat strange topic. Now that he thinks harder about it, Nanaki and his phone are very shamelessly inseparable. He can recall that on those days where Nanaki begs the doctor to let him stay in the infirmary during a break, all Nanaki does is plop down on one of the beds with that smartphone in his hand. Sometimes, he even muffles a giggle or two over there. How curious.

“Please sit on the bedside slowly, don’t get up yet.” commanded Shuu. “Your blood pressure definitely went up from that pointless hysteria you had just now, so please behave slowly and calmly.”

Nanaki obeyed without a word, not breaking eye contact with the glowing screen.

“...Do you still feel dizzy?” Shuu asked, looking at the other somewhat impatiently.

“Not as bad as a moment ago. I’m tired…” Kazuaki concluded the great status update by stuffing the rest of the chocolate bar in his mouth.

“...Sigh.” Shuu said out loud, “Try to stand up and walk around, if possible.”

Kazuaki stood up from the bed, sucking on his chocolate-stained thumb, and eyes still scanning the phone. He took a step forward, “I…saw stars for a second, but I’m all right, doctor…~”

“Iron deficiency, yes…Oh my, careful, professor—”

But alas his warning was unheard because by then Kazuaki has bumped right into the wall ahead of him.

“Bwaa…! S-Sorry!” Kazuaki simply knocked his knee, luckily not his head, “Did I break something!”

“...No.” Shuu leant back against the rim of his desk, crossing his arms, “...But Nanaki,” he began slowly, “Could you put your phone down for a minute? The procedure has not ended yet.”

“Ah! Ah…” the blond glanced between Shuu and at the phone in his grasp, “I’m sorry, I got a notification, and wanted to check it.”

“...I see. But I insist. Get dressed.”

“Yes.” On the bed that Kazuaki was laying on just now, he left his second shirt and coat. He took his phone from the coat pocket just now, but now he put down it on the clothes. With the same careful movements as always, he pulled his second layer of a creamy shirt on. He bent down to take his duffel coat, but once it was in his hands, he looked back at Shuu with a very pitiful expression. “...C-Can you help me with the jacket again, please?”

The doctor came forward without a word, and took one half of the jacket in hand, helping Kazuaki put his woe vulnerable arm in the sleeve. They do this after every session, of course. There is no shame in it, although Kazuaki frowned a little because of his own incompetence (which was probably unfair and exaggerated of him, because there are people who have it worse in the world than him! ...is what his mind told him). Kazuaki managed to put on the scarf himself. He definitely, already felt better, having hidden himself beneath soft fabrics like this. “Thank you!” he managed to pull his lips into a very forced smile. “No problem.”

* * *

The two birds left the infirmary in a relaxed and quiet manner, the doctor appearing more cautious than would be probably necessary. Thankfully the trip from the infirmary to the staff room is not long, and even with Kazuaki’s weak and slurry gait they could probably get there without any more issues.

Shuu kept a red clipboard under his arm and stared straight ahead. Kazuaki on another hand stared out the window while he walked, watching the clouds drifting by. Taking advantage of his distraction, Shuu glimpsed up at Kazuaki as if he could find any more clues on what to do just from his expression alone.

And wouldn’t you know, the mad doctor did it.

“Ah, I know what it is.” his stoic voice startled Kazuaki, who looked again at the smaller man by his side, seeing that he was staring straight ahead again. “The reason for your hopeless attitude is the class hike tomorrow, isn’t it.”

“Ahh?” They did not stop walking, but Kazuaki clutched his chest with his hands. “M-Maybe…?”

“You don’t like the outdoors, do you.” suggested Shuu.

“That, that’s not exactly true…” Kazuaki scratched his head, “I do love nature and spring and those stuff… I do a lot. But I’m also nervous because I’m so exhausted and stressed… I’m scared that I’ll do something embarrassing in front of the students, like get us all lost in the forest, or get so tired so quickly that I’ll have to sit down and keep everyone else waiting, and paying attention to me…”

Shuu gave an affirming hum. “I see. However if all of you take that stroll in a relaxed and slow pace, you shouldn’t have any issues. Just make sure that you bring water and refreshments with you.”

The teachers reached the staff room then. Shuu came forward to slide the door open, but found that it was locked. Which is good for them. It means that no one is inside. He took out his bundle of keys and unlocked the door, entering. Kazuaki entered behind him and slowly closed the door behind himself again.

“Re…freshments…” the quail repeated.

“A lunch, preferably containing plenty of iron and protein. You know…” Shuu looked behind at Kazuaki, “...Just how I’ve recommended you in general.”

“Uh-huh…” the other answered, not with the smartest expression.

“...Have you not been… keeping up with the diet I recommended you, for the most efficient and safest way to replenish your blood supply?” Shuu’s brows knitted.

“Um…” Kazuaki stammered, as if he would follow that with an intelligent reply, but came short on words… He eyed the room nervously, scratching his neck again.

The doctor pressed his lips into a thin line.

“Sit.”

He commanded Kazuaki to sit straight up on a sofa in the far back of the room, and he obliged immediately and stiffly. No amount of puppy eyes made Shuu merciful though.

“...Professor. Have you been following any of the advice I’ve given you over the course of our experiment?”

“I-I did! I do! You said that I shouldn’t strain myself, no physical activities, that I should avoid washing my right arm…And I should eat healthy food, or something like that…”

“Have you?”

Kazuaki was silent.

“More specifically, I recommended you to eat things that are high in iron. Beetroot, fish, liver, red meats, spinach, pumpkin seeds… For example.”

Shuu explained with a relaxed disposition, but Kazuaki definitely felt his irritated glare stabbing into him from above. He wanted to defend and excuse himself, even if it won’t change anything. “I’ve… I’ve been…” he whimpered all teary-eyed, “struggling to keep any kind of consistency in my life, let alone adapt to your diet plan laid out for me, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Hugging himself, Kazuaki slowly rocked back and forward on the sofa. “I-I’m so sorry, doctor. I feel so bad, everything is wrong…!

I didn’t think that you’d let me live past… last week…”

The doctor looked down at Kazuaki with the same amount of conflict as earlier. “...I see…”

He crossed his arms, prompting to speak in a much more quiet and unclear voice. “...I underestimated you, professor. I read your symptoms wrong. This is more of my fault than yours. It was foolish of me to put this much expectations on you, especially when…” Shuu scratched his chin, “...Eating is something I struggle with, as well.”

Kazuaki didn’t cry audibly, although he placed hands over his face and sniffled. “Iwamine… I’m either not eating for days or eating too much in one… I, I don’t even know how to cook… On the first day of our experiment, I tried making scrambled eggs, b-but I just burnt everything and it was inedible, I threw it away…” his lips scrunched, “I thought that I am a complete failure that can’t do the simplest dish in the world, so I need to be punished, so I didn’t eat anything until the weekend…”

Shuu wrinkled his forehead and let out a long sigh. What a fangled way of thinking this is. Unsettling.

His only purpose in the world is to take care of his patients, yet he failed on this one.

There is nothing else that can be done except try to fix it.

“...I understand. The mind and the body are a directly connected loop.” Shuu put a hand over his mouth and mumbled his train of thought, merely loud enough for Kazuaki to hear. “...Your mind is in shambles, so it hurts the body as well. Forcing your body to eat at a time like this wouldn’t give the results I strive for, therefore… Let’s try again from another perspective…”

When Kazuaki removed his hands from over his eyes, Shuu was sitting on a desk chair that he dragged over. On the same eye-level as him, on the same wavelength as him, Shuu lowered himself to Kazuaki to pull him out of the metaphorical mud. His expression rarely changed. All it took was one little muscle that made Shuu’s face—or at least as close as it got to being—sympathetic. Kazuaki awaited his words, and out they came, in a soothing low voice.

“What is troubling you, Nanaki?”

And Nanaki’s eyes glistened with hope for the first time in a long time. The blur convinced him that this is a dream, hearing these words seeming too good to be true, but dreams are such dear things to him.

“Uzune left me… he left me all alone…” he whimpered.

“I thought that my life was finally getting better. I’ve finally gotten a j-job, a good job, that makes me look like a respectable person, I wanted to confess something to him, I wanted to build a life with him, I even wanted to contact my parents for the first time in years and tell them, tell them that I’ve finally succeeded in life— I thought our happy years will never end, but it’s all useless now…

It was all a lie… he never even loved me…

Uzune is a liar. He kissed me and he always said ‘I feel the same way as you’, but it was all a lie. I mean nothing to him.

I mean nothing to everyone.

Just like… just like…”

Another tear rolled down his face.

“When I was 18, and came so close to killing myself.”

Kazuaki cried. His face contorted and quickly grew a reddened hue in how much he held his sobs in. His nose was wet, his eyes are wet. He put his hands over them again. Shuu lowered his head, whispering;

“...And you haven’t told this to anyone.”

“No, I didn’t… I have no one…” Kazuaki bared his teeth in a forced grin, “I have no one to tell it to. I am all alone.”

“...Mhm…”

“And he haunts me. So pretentiously. So obnoxiously.” a jagged breath, “I can’t even say that word anymore because it belongs to him. ‘Alone’. I can’t say I am ‘alone’ without cringing and writhing on the inside, our… Our desks in this room are meters apart. Our classrooms are just a staircase apart. I see him, I’m forced to see him every day. And sometimes, sometimes he even makes eye contact with me. And he asks me ‘How’s it going?’ so unbothered and relaxed. He is living his best life now, finally freed from _me_ , so he looks down on me as if he hasn’t killed me. As if nothing has changed between us.”

“...Mhm…”

“No matter where I go, no matter where I look… I can’t just move to another city and start a new life. Everything reminds me of him. He bought my futon for me. He cooked food in my kitchen. We watched movies in his house. And in my dreams I see him leaning towards me, with a finger over his lips, telling me to keep it quiet… ‘It’s not the end of the world.’”

“...I understand…”

“Do you?”

Kazuaki’s despairing eyes bored into Shuu’s. His glasses cannot filter such intense eye contact, it caught him off guard. Shuu blinked, flickering between the other’s right and left eye.

“I do. But... At least you have the privilege of him being alive.”

“W-What?! What does that mean?!”

The words came out too quickly, sudden embarrassment turned Shuu’s head away.

“I’m sorry.” he said very honestly, “I don’t know how to help with romance. It is extremely far off my field of study. Psychology, and… and…

…what am I doing…” he ran a hand through his hair. Kazuaki noticed a very unusual change in the untiltable doctor. “I thought I may have learned something and could pass my wisdom off to you, but I am afraid I misjudged the situation yet again.”

Kazuaki squinted at the other for a moment, but finally cleared his throat. “that, that’s not surprising at all, Iwamine, but, um… I’m very surprised that you tried… in the first place.

You are the only person I’ve shared this with. I feel a little better now.”

Shuu continued to stare down at the grey floor beneath them. There was a far-off look in his eyes as he drifted off into the back of his mind. This whole conversation made him feel something very familiar, and undesirable. An itch in his chest that Shuu couldn’t decide was a cold or warm feeling. He finally blinked himself back into the present when he heard Kazuaki say “Thank you for this.”

“You are thanking me for... listening?”

“Y-Yes, Iwamine! I’ve been holding this in for- for weeks!”

Still wrapping his arms around himself, Kazuaki hugged himself tighter. He sniffled, again looking down at the floor.

“But I am still, so useless and depressed… And I am still a useless test subject, a good for nothing, and tomorrow is a class hike, and I have to pay my bills, and I’m hungry, and I don’t know where to start or what to do…”

Shuu thought about Kazuaki’s words for a moment, before concluding in a more firm tone, “Well,” he raised his chin, “Making a queue and timeplan certainly is useful for any, and everybody. I propose that you should start with lunch.”

Kazuaki looked up, as Shuu continued thoughtfully, “I believe I have free time for the rest of the day. And creating a plan is within my skillset, so I would not mind helping you with it…”

he squinted, “...for the sake of making you a useful, emotionally stable test subject…”

“Y-...” Kazuaki had a sad, starry-eyed smile, “You would do that for me?! —I mean, _with_ me?!”

“Yes. For efficiency’s sake, we should write it while you will be eating.” Shuu stood up from his chair and began to drag it over to his assigned desk in the staff room, “Ah, right. Sunflower and safflower seeds should be available in the cafeteria. An average bird meal would be a lot more useful to you and your body than food invented by humans.

“eh?”

“Our bodies are still adapting to these things. You’d be getting even less nutrition from meat than a human…”

“eh??”

“While at it, you should buy more than one pack. Bring it for lunch tomorrow, to eat it during your hike-break.”

“eh???” confused quail noises.

“I’m being clear, am I not?” Shuu stared ahead at Kazuaki from across the numerous desks and computer screens. “As long as you stick to my plan, your body will start to feel better… eventually.”

“Um, um…” Baffled and still red from the crying session, Kazuaki stumbled over his words a couple of times, wiping his wet eyes. But finally he stiffened his shoulders and widened his eyes, knitting brows in determination.

“Y-Yes, okay! Okay, doctor! I trust you!”

Shuu let himself sink down into a comfortable, relaxed demeanor. With a smile curling his lips he soothed Kazuaki;

“...Good boy.

Let us go, then.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ I ended up splitting this chapter into... two chapters, uploaded at the same time.
> 
> What an important moment! Kazuaki has such a twisted way of seeing things, the poor boy... and Shuu too...
> 
> Thank you for reading~


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